I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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