Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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