my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
