Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
