I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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