New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
