Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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