Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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