Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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