you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
