ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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