I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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