she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize