my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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