Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just fell off a train. Bad.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
