I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
