note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize