Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
