Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize