we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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