What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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