Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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