I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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