life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
