i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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