Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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