I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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