So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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