I feel like abortions should bother me more
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
