Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
