don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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