8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
