My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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