Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
