someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
