What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize