Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
