What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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