I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize