Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
