It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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