It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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