i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
