Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
