it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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