Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
