Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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