After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
