there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize