it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
