so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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