Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
