3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i don't like sucking hair
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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