You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
