I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
