It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
