Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
