brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
