dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
