went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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