I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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