Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
