I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
