Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
