oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
