he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
