I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
