I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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