Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Randomize