honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
