how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize