Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
