god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
