I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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